Barbarism


I Don’t Know What I’m Eating but it Tastes Really Good

I like this story title! I find it evocative! It could mean so many things! For example, if someone’s eating something but they don’t know what it is, it COULD be someone’s genitals, specifically—if those genitals belong to a woman—a carpet, as lesbians say (according to Urban Dictionary, not Sarah). OK, so now I’m going to try to make a lesbian joke. Here it is: A tired, hungover lesbian wakes up from a raucous bacchanalia and turns to her hungry heterosexual friend who also just woke up and is fantasizing about non-gay things like toasting an English muffin for breakfast. The lesbian says to her friend: “Man, last night I was so wasted I stumbled into what I thought was the kitchen, opened what appeared to be the refrigerator but my eyes were so bleary with drugs and homosexually-derived temporary blindness that when I put what I thought was food in my mouth I found out I was munching on carpet!” Get it? Get it?!

But where did this all come from? Well, yesterday Sarah and I were talking about lesbianism and she quoted me in all my eloquence in the post below. This morning when I woke up I was so hungry and temporarily blinded by something in my eye that I washed my face a ton and used a bunch of eye drops, then decided to eat my favorite breakfast: a toasted English muffin (two entire packs cost $2 at my local Rite-Aid) with bologna (99 cents at a generally high-priced grocery by my house with intermittent low prices on cheap crap like bologna) and grated Jarlsberg cheese ($1.75 at East Village Cheese!). There was some unidentifiable sauce in what appeared to be the refrigerator, so I decided to put it on my English muffin and thereafter, my mouth. As I chewed, I thought “I don’t know what I’m eating but it tastes really good.”

And that’s how I turned gay.

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3 Comments so far
Leave a comment

I LOLZED to your joke, and truly enjoyed the story. Just sayin. Great night-before quote as well. Still just sayin.

Comment by Sam

I recommend trying the muff next time.

Comment by ducttapedance

Whoa! Sarah! Although I am 100% in favor of muff being tried by some, in laboratories, in controlled situations I want to point out that your comment is showing up under my name (ducttapedance)! Which makes sense! Because we both go on my account! However, from now on, every time you say something I wouldn’t 100% say I’m just going to jump on it. Just to differentiate who’s who, and what’s what.

Comment by ducttapedance




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