Another Saturday Night
June 30, 2010, 3:13 pm
Filed under: SARAH | Tags:

Outside, staring through the window at the people in the bar:

I want somebody to buy me things and to love me.

I want to know people.

I want to be buoyant.

I want to be that person who people want to know.

(See the young people laughing, wet from the heat.)

Maybe I need to give people on the street more of an indication that I’m looking for a loving, respectful relationship. Is it not clear on my face, or are they not looking?

Or, you know, I’d settle for less tonight. Why won’t someone just buy me some pizza and take me home? I’m not even feeling sexually desirous. I just want a man to buy me some pizza and maybe then I’ll be desirous.

I’m bored by my fantasies.

Sometimes I’ll be masturbating on my bed and my cat will snuggle next to me and lick her nipples. Oh look! we’re both being pleasured!—by ourselves. Goddammit. Here we are, in solidarity, meeting needs that are not being met.

I have to do something. These moments keep passing. It’s like tonight. What happened to tonight? You have to take the bull by the horns…or else the bull gets tired and goes home.

Whispers to herself: Why doesn’t anyone want to love me?

I mean, I’m not horrible. I’m not perfect by any means. But I’m okay, if you’re not picky.


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